Will of Americans
Tired of his low approval ratings,
President Clinton called up the head of the CIA and said, "I want your
very best agent over here first thing in the morning."
Moments later, a call went out to the Middle East, and the most gifted American agent was headed back to Washington.
The next morning, the agent was escorted into the Oval Office. The President said, "I hear you're the best in the business. I can't trust what my staff tells me.
So I want you to visit every state in the union, every major city. I want you to stay out on the road until you have an idea of what the vast majority of Americans would like to see happen in the Oval Office. Understand?"
The CIA agent responded affirmatively. He left the White House and wasn't heard from for nearly four months. Finally, he showed up early on a Saturday morning, and the President saw him immediately.
The President said, "Did you find out what an overwhelming majority of Americans want done here in this office?"
"Yes, sir."
"Well, then, express the will of the people," Clinton ordered.
So the agent stood up, pulled out a gun, and shot him
Moments later, a call went out to the Middle East, and the most gifted American agent was headed back to Washington.
The next morning, the agent was escorted into the Oval Office. The President said, "I hear you're the best in the business. I can't trust what my staff tells me.
So I want you to visit every state in the union, every major city. I want you to stay out on the road until you have an idea of what the vast majority of Americans would like to see happen in the Oval Office. Understand?"
The CIA agent responded affirmatively. He left the White House and wasn't heard from for nearly four months. Finally, he showed up early on a Saturday morning, and the President saw him immediately.
The President said, "Did you find out what an overwhelming majority of Americans want done here in this office?"
"Yes, sir."
"Well, then, express the will of the people," Clinton ordered.
So the agent stood up, pulled out a gun, and shot him
Bush sues Santa
BUSH LEGAL TEAM SUES SANTA CLAUS
By S. Artist Reuters
AUSTIN, TX (Dec. 4) - Attorneys for Texas Governor George W. Bush filed suit in federal court today, seeking to prevent Santa Claus from making his list and then checking it twice. The complaint seeks an immediate injunction against the beloved Christmas icon, asking the court to effectively ban his traditional practice of checking the list of good boys and girls one additional time before packing his sleigh.
The suit, filed in the Federal District Court of Austin, Texas, asks a federal judge to "hereby order Mr. Claus to cease and desist all repetitive and duplicative list-checking activity, and certify the original list as submitted, without amendment, alteration, deletion, or other unnecessary modification."
"There are no standards for deciding who is naughty, and who is nice. It's totally arbitrary and capricious. How many more times does he need to check? This checking, checking, and re-checking over and over again must stop now," said former Secretary James Baker.
Baker further claimed that unnamed GOP observers witnessed an elf removing all boys named Justin from the 'nice' list, filing them under 'naughty' instead because "everyone knows all boys named Justin are brats."
Gov. Bush cited the potential for unauthorized list tampering, and blasted what he called the "crazy, crazy mess up there at the North Pole."
"Their security is really awful, really bad," said Bush. "My mother just walked right in, told 'em she was Mrs. Claus. They didn't check her ID or nothing."
Meanwhile, Dick Cheney, Gov. Bush's running mate, issued a direct plea to St. Nick himself. "Mr. Claus, I call on you to do the honorable thing, and quit checking your list. The children of the world have had enough. They demand closure now," Cheney said, adding that his granddaughter has already selected a name for the pony she's asked for.
The Rev. Jesse Jackson was quick to respond to this latest development with plans to lead his protesters from Florida to the North Pole via dogsled. The "Million Man Mush" is scheduled to leave Friday. "We need red suits and sleighs, not law suits and delays," Jackson said.
Santa Claus could not be reached for comment, but an spokeself said he was "deeply distressed" by news of the pending legal action against him.
"He's losing weight, and he hasn't said 'Ho Ho' for days," said the spokeself. "He's just not feeling jolly."
A weary nation can relate.
AUSTIN, TX (Dec. 4) - Attorneys for Texas Governor George W. Bush filed suit in federal court today, seeking to prevent Santa Claus from making his list and then checking it twice. The complaint seeks an immediate injunction against the beloved Christmas icon, asking the court to effectively ban his traditional practice of checking the list of good boys and girls one additional time before packing his sleigh.
The suit, filed in the Federal District Court of Austin, Texas, asks a federal judge to "hereby order Mr. Claus to cease and desist all repetitive and duplicative list-checking activity, and certify the original list as submitted, without amendment, alteration, deletion, or other unnecessary modification."
"There are no standards for deciding who is naughty, and who is nice. It's totally arbitrary and capricious. How many more times does he need to check? This checking, checking, and re-checking over and over again must stop now," said former Secretary James Baker.
Baker further claimed that unnamed GOP observers witnessed an elf removing all boys named Justin from the 'nice' list, filing them under 'naughty' instead because "everyone knows all boys named Justin are brats."
Gov. Bush cited the potential for unauthorized list tampering, and blasted what he called the "crazy, crazy mess up there at the North Pole."
"Their security is really awful, really bad," said Bush. "My mother just walked right in, told 'em she was Mrs. Claus. They didn't check her ID or nothing."
Meanwhile, Dick Cheney, Gov. Bush's running mate, issued a direct plea to St. Nick himself. "Mr. Claus, I call on you to do the honorable thing, and quit checking your list. The children of the world have had enough. They demand closure now," Cheney said, adding that his granddaughter has already selected a name for the pony she's asked for.
The Rev. Jesse Jackson was quick to respond to this latest development with plans to lead his protesters from Florida to the North Pole via dogsled. The "Million Man Mush" is scheduled to leave Friday. "We need red suits and sleighs, not law suits and delays," Jackson said.
Santa Claus could not be reached for comment, but an spokeself said he was "deeply distressed" by news of the pending legal action against him.
"He's losing weight, and he hasn't said 'Ho Ho' for days," said the spokeself. "He's just not feeling jolly."
A weary nation can relate.
George Bush slogans
Top
George Bush Slogans
- I'll turn capital
punishment into a new game show!
- I promise to get
cocaine off our streets: 1 kilo at a time.
- I'll finish what
Bill started -- the interns.
- Like father, like
son. You liked my dad, right?
- Vote for the GOP,
Not OPP.
- I promise no sex
scandal: just look at me.
- New penal plan: I
won't use mine!
- Read my lips: Al
Gore Sucks.
- George W. Bush: No
hang-ups. Just hangovers
- Vote for Bush and
against Common Sense.
Bush running mate
Bush and His Running Mate
Now that it seems almost a certainty that George W. Bush will become the Republican nominee for President, attention will soon focus upon whom Governor Bush will pick for his Vice Presidential running mate. It is rumored that one of the names on the 'short list' currently being floated in upper level Republican circles is former Vice President, Dan Quayle.
For many, there seems to be some very sound reasoning for picking Quayle. As was pointed out by one senior official who wished not be identified, Quayle "already knows how to do the job, will contribute gaffes that will deflect attention away from Bush's own, and in a cost saving side benefit will help the party minimize printing costs for new 'Bush-Quayle' posters and bumper stickers (since they can use the leftovers from the 1988 and 1992 campaigns).
Apparently, part of the overall strategy is the targeting of a key demographic group that has been virtually ignored in previous presidential campaigns: Senile and confused voters. One recent survey puts the 'senile and confused' at approximately 3.8% of the voting population. The hope is that this group will mistakenly believe that this is the same Bush-Quayle ticket they voted for in 1988 and 1992 and will once again cast their votes for another, albeit different, Bush-Quayle ticket. The dilemma facing Republican strategists however is determining how best to mount an effective campaign that will get out the 'senile and confused' vote. One strategist sighed, "They're a hard group to reach, let alone give instructions to."
Additionally, word has it that the former Vice President is undertaking some unique preparations for another run at the Vice Presidency. Included in his training regimen is a comprehensive reading of Websters Dictionary cover to cover as well as listening to the popular vocabulary-building program on cassette tapes, "Verbal Advantage."
For many, the inclusion of former Vice President Quayle on the ticket will spell 'opportunitee'. When one reporter asked Quayle "what do you think about running on a ticket with a Bush again," the former Vice President expressed that he was "clearly delighted" about it. However, Quayle did seem somewhat puzzled and perplexed as to why Bush has now added a "W" to his name when he didn't seem to use one before.
Now that it seems almost a certainty that George W. Bush will become the Republican nominee for President, attention will soon focus upon whom Governor Bush will pick for his Vice Presidential running mate. It is rumored that one of the names on the 'short list' currently being floated in upper level Republican circles is former Vice President, Dan Quayle.
For many, there seems to be some very sound reasoning for picking Quayle. As was pointed out by one senior official who wished not be identified, Quayle "already knows how to do the job, will contribute gaffes that will deflect attention away from Bush's own, and in a cost saving side benefit will help the party minimize printing costs for new 'Bush-Quayle' posters and bumper stickers (since they can use the leftovers from the 1988 and 1992 campaigns).
Apparently, part of the overall strategy is the targeting of a key demographic group that has been virtually ignored in previous presidential campaigns: Senile and confused voters. One recent survey puts the 'senile and confused' at approximately 3.8% of the voting population. The hope is that this group will mistakenly believe that this is the same Bush-Quayle ticket they voted for in 1988 and 1992 and will once again cast their votes for another, albeit different, Bush-Quayle ticket. The dilemma facing Republican strategists however is determining how best to mount an effective campaign that will get out the 'senile and confused' vote. One strategist sighed, "They're a hard group to reach, let alone give instructions to."
Additionally, word has it that the former Vice President is undertaking some unique preparations for another run at the Vice Presidency. Included in his training regimen is a comprehensive reading of Websters Dictionary cover to cover as well as listening to the popular vocabulary-building program on cassette tapes, "Verbal Advantage."
For many, the inclusion of former Vice President Quayle on the ticket will spell 'opportunitee'. When one reporter asked Quayle "what do you think about running on a ticket with a Bush again," the former Vice President expressed that he was "clearly delighted" about it. However, Quayle did seem somewhat puzzled and perplexed as to why Bush has now added a "W" to his name when he didn't seem to use one before.
President precedent
Difference Between a Bad
*President* and a Bad *Precedent*
... BAD *PRECEDENT:
Tipper: "How does it feel to be the big man, Hon?"
Al: "Well Tip, it took 17 lawsuits and 18 months of election recounts, but I'd do it all again."
... BAD *PRESIDENT:
Mr. Bush, repeat after me. I do solemnly swear
- "I do solemonemoney swear..."
- that I will faithfully execute the office of President of the United States
- "... that I will fatally execute the official President of the United States..."
- and will to the best of my ability
- "... and will to the best of my abli-tilly ..."
- preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States
- "... preservect defenestrate the United ... the Constitual ... the ... um ... of America."
- So help me God.
- "So help me. So help my dog. Oh, God, is it over?"
... BAD *PRECEDENT:
Tipper: "How does it feel to be the big man, Hon?"
Al: "Well Tip, it took 17 lawsuits and 18 months of election recounts, but I'd do it all again."
... BAD *PRESIDENT:
Mr. Bush, repeat after me. I do solemnly swear
- "I do solemonemoney swear..."
- that I will faithfully execute the office of President of the United States
- "... that I will fatally execute the official President of the United States..."
- and will to the best of my ability
- "... and will to the best of my abli-tilly ..."
- preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States
- "... preservect defenestrate the United ... the Constitual ... the ... um ... of America."
- So help me God.
- "So help me. So help my dog. Oh, God, is it over?"
Research Bush
A researcher called G. W. Bush
house in Austin.
G. W was sleeping in late and was awaken by the call.
He was half-asleep when he answered the phone.
Researcher: Excuse me, sir. I'm conducting a survey
GW Bush: Questions? No political questions.
Reseacher: Political, sir?
GW Bush: Do you know who you are calling?
Researcher: We call numbers at random, sir. May I ask --
GW Bush: What is this about?
Researcher: We are asking people do they think COKE beats PEPSI.
GW BUSH: I've never tried Pepsi. Is that a new thing?
G. W was sleeping in late and was awaken by the call.
He was half-asleep when he answered the phone.
Researcher: Excuse me, sir. I'm conducting a survey
GW Bush: Questions? No political questions.
Reseacher: Political, sir?
GW Bush: Do you know who you are calling?
Researcher: We call numbers at random, sir. May I ask --
GW Bush: What is this about?
Researcher: We are asking people do they think COKE beats PEPSI.
GW BUSH: I've never tried Pepsi. Is that a new thing?
Entertain guests
After dinner one evening a George
W. Bush was entertaining their house guest by playing the piano.
At one point he turned to the visitor, a fat conservative talk show host, and said, "I understand you love music."
"Yes," murmured the guest politely. "But never you mind. Keep right on playing ..."
At one point he turned to the visitor, a fat conservative talk show host, and said, "I understand you love music."
"Yes," murmured the guest politely. "But never you mind. Keep right on playing ..."
Stuck in a plane
George Bushes, father Bush and son
Bush, Bush, Jr., are on board a small two seater plane when suddenly George
Senior, the pilot, parachutes out of the plane. Not knowing how to fly,
National Guard Service or not, a plane George, Jr., grabs the radio.
"Mayday, mayday! My Dad just jumped out of the plane!"
Ground control receives the call for help and answers back:
"Your dad?"
"He left me here! Took the parachute!"
"Sir, your dad?"
"He's the pilot! Gosh!"
"Okay, don't worry, sir. I'll talk you down, just do as I say. First I need you to give me your height and position."
"I'm over six feet and sitting in the front!"
"Mayday, mayday! My Dad just jumped out of the plane!"
Ground control receives the call for help and answers back:
"Your dad?"
"He left me here! Took the parachute!"
"Sir, your dad?"
"He's the pilot! Gosh!"
"Okay, don't worry, sir. I'll talk you down, just do as I say. First I need you to give me your height and position."
"I'm over six feet and sitting in the front!"
Plane's terrorist
A cargo plane is in mid-flight
over the ocean when suddenly the cockpit door bursts open to reveal an armed,
masked hijacker to a startled pilot, copilot, navigator, and a passenger. The
passenger happens to be George W Bush. (Why?} Maybe, he was on his way to check
on the coca plant life in South America!") The masked gunman held a gun to
the pilot's head and said, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill
your brains all over the place."
The pilot calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and said, "Look buddy, if you shoot me this plane will crash right into the sea and you'll die along with the rest of us."
The hijacker thought about it, then held the gun to the copilot's head and said, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill HIS brains all over the place."
The copilot also calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and said, "Listen to me. The pilot's got a bad heart and he could keel over at the shock of my being killed. So if you shoot me, this plane will still crash right into the sea and you'll die along with the rest of us."
The hijacker thought about it for a moment and then held the gun to the navigator's head and repeated, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill HIS brains all over the place."
The navigator calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and said, "I wouldn't do that if I were you. Those other two guys have no sense of direction. Without me they couldn't find their way out of a paper bag much less get this plane to Iraq. So if you shoot me, this plane will still crash right into the sea and you'll die along with the rest of us."
The hijacker thought some more, shrugged and this time held the gun to the passenger's head and demanded, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill HIS brains all over the place."
No one said a word, at first, then the pilot, co-pilot, and navigator all brust into laughter. "He's George W Bush!" they laughed. "He doesn't have any brains!"
The pilot calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and said, "Look buddy, if you shoot me this plane will crash right into the sea and you'll die along with the rest of us."
The hijacker thought about it, then held the gun to the copilot's head and said, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill HIS brains all over the place."
The copilot also calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and said, "Listen to me. The pilot's got a bad heart and he could keel over at the shock of my being killed. So if you shoot me, this plane will still crash right into the sea and you'll die along with the rest of us."
The hijacker thought about it for a moment and then held the gun to the navigator's head and repeated, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill HIS brains all over the place."
The navigator calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and said, "I wouldn't do that if I were you. Those other two guys have no sense of direction. Without me they couldn't find their way out of a paper bag much less get this plane to Iraq. So if you shoot me, this plane will still crash right into the sea and you'll die along with the rest of us."
The hijacker thought some more, shrugged and this time held the gun to the passenger's head and demanded, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill HIS brains all over the place."
No one said a word, at first, then the pilot, co-pilot, and navigator all brust into laughter. "He's George W Bush!" they laughed. "He doesn't have any brains!"
Chased by a bear
George W Bush, Dick Cheny and
Bush's mama, Barbara, are having a holiday at the North Pole. George W weighs
... Well, we know how light he is. Cheny weighs so much, and Miss Barabara,
well, we won't mention a lady's weight. One day, the three of them are having a
trip on a sleigh.
Suddenly, they see a polar bear behind them. Quickly, they throw out all the luggage behind them, but this doesn't help: the bear comes closer.
They realise that one of the three will have to sacrifice himself or herself so that the two others will be able to escape.
"You should do it", George W. says to Cheny, "The bear will need more time to eat you then to eat me. We can't expect Mama, here, to fight the bear."
"I guess you're right", Cheny says. As he jumps out of the sleigh, he shouts, "For the G-O-P!", and gets killed by the bear.
"Thank God for my brains", George W. says, smirks. But, the bear reopens the chase.
"Now it's your time, mama", George W. says. "Your weight is bigger than mine and a good mama sacrifices herself for her childern."
"George!" G. W's mama says.
G.W. stands his ground, rather stares back, coolly, and very hard.
His mama shakes every hair of her white head, the color that George W. told us he put there. "I guess you're right", she says, and she also jumps out and gets killed.
"Thank God for my brains", George W. giggles.
But still the bear won't stop hunting the sleigh. George W. really gets mad, and he shouts out : "You stupid animal!! Just wait a minute!! I'll take my gun and I'll blow you to pieces!!"
Suddenly, they see a polar bear behind them. Quickly, they throw out all the luggage behind them, but this doesn't help: the bear comes closer.
They realise that one of the three will have to sacrifice himself or herself so that the two others will be able to escape.
"You should do it", George W. says to Cheny, "The bear will need more time to eat you then to eat me. We can't expect Mama, here, to fight the bear."
"I guess you're right", Cheny says. As he jumps out of the sleigh, he shouts, "For the G-O-P!", and gets killed by the bear.
"Thank God for my brains", George W. says, smirks. But, the bear reopens the chase.
"Now it's your time, mama", George W. says. "Your weight is bigger than mine and a good mama sacrifices herself for her childern."
"George!" G. W's mama says.
G.W. stands his ground, rather stares back, coolly, and very hard.
His mama shakes every hair of her white head, the color that George W. told us he put there. "I guess you're right", she says, and she also jumps out and gets killed.
"Thank God for my brains", George W. giggles.
But still the bear won't stop hunting the sleigh. George W. really gets mad, and he shouts out : "You stupid animal!! Just wait a minute!! I'll take my gun and I'll blow you to pieces!!"
People are stupid
George W. Bush and his veep
running mate, Dick Cheney were talking, when George W. said, "I hate all
the dumb George W. jokes people tell about me."
Wise Old Cheney, feeling sorry for his old boss kid, said sage-like, "Oh, they are only jokes. There are a lot of stupid people out there. Here, I'll prove it to you."
Now Cheney, to patronize George W, took him outside and hailed a taxi driver.
"Please take me to 29 Nickel Street to see if I'm home," said Cheney.
The cab driver without saying a word drove them to Nickel Street, and when they finally got out, Cheney looked at George W. and said, "See! That guy was really stupid."
"No kidding," replied George W. "There was a pay phone just around the corner. You could have called instead."
Wise Old Cheney, feeling sorry for his old boss kid, said sage-like, "Oh, they are only jokes. There are a lot of stupid people out there. Here, I'll prove it to you."
Now Cheney, to patronize George W, took him outside and hailed a taxi driver.
"Please take me to 29 Nickel Street to see if I'm home," said Cheney.
The cab driver without saying a word drove them to Nickel Street, and when they finally got out, Cheney looked at George W. and said, "See! That guy was really stupid."
"No kidding," replied George W. "There was a pay phone just around the corner. You could have called instead."
Question and answer Clinton jokes
Q: How do you break a Bill Clinton
supporter's finger?
A: Punch him in the nose.
Q: What does Jeffrey Dahmer's victims and The Clintons' hair styles have in common?
A: They both look like the work of a butcher.
Q: If The Clinton's were younger, do you think they would have known the Clampents?
A: Possibly, Bill might have made Jethro's acquaintance in the 6th grade.
Q: Why doesn't Hillary cut Bill's hair?
A: He won't pay her $300.
Q: What are the two worst things about Bill Clinton?
A: His face.
Q: What is the Arkansas state flower?
A: Gennifer.
Q: Know how to solve the Serbian/Bosnian problem in less than 48 hours?
A: Put Janet Reno in charge.
Q: What's the difference between a Bill Clinton and a carp?
A: One's a scum sucking bottom feeder and the other's a fish.
Q: What's the difference between Hillary Clinton and a pit bull?
A: The pit bull doesn't carry a briefcase.
Q: How does Bill Clinton say "I'm about to hurt you"?
A: "Trust me."
Q: What is the difference between Dan Quayle, Bill Clinton and Jane Fonda?
A: Jane Fonda went to Vietnam.
Q: How can you tell Bill Clinton apart from a cow?
A: By the wise look in the eyes.
Q: How can you tell Bill Clinton from a bunch of dead bodies?
A: He's the stiff one.
Q: How many Bill Clintons does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two--One to promise he'll do it better than anyone else and one to obscure the issues.
Q: How many Bill Clintons does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None--He'll only promise "change."
Q: How many Bill Clintons does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: He doesn't! He whines a while, says "I feel your pain", and gets congress to pass a billion dollar light security bill, and blames Republicans and special interests for not making lightbulbs free.
Q: Why are people in Arkansas having peanut butter and jelly for Thanksgiving this year?
A: Because they're sending their turkey to the White House!
Q: Why are people in Arkansas having peanut butter and jelly for Thanksgiving this year?
A: Because they can't afford any more pork.
Q: Why are people in Arkansas having peanut butter and jelly for Thanksgiving this year?
A: Reagan ate all the jellybeans.
Q: Why are people in Arkansas having peanut butter and jelly for Thanksgiving this year?
A: They've been having turkey for years.
Q: Why are people in Arkansas having peanut butter and jelly for Thanksgiving this year?
A: Because Clinton "invested" all the turkey.
Q: What were Bill and Chelsea Clinton doing in the voting booth?
A: Bill was giving his daughter a lesson in Civics, how to ruin the people!
Q: What does Teddy Kennedy have that Bill Clinton wishes he did?
A: A dead girlfriend.
Q: What's the difference between Personal Injury lawyers and Congress?
A: No fee--If No Recovery!
Q: How did Bill and Hillary Clinton meet?
A: They were dating the same girl in high school.
Q: How can you tell when Bill Clinton is lying?
A: Only a Bill Clinton supporter is too dumb to know the answer to this one.
Q: How can you tell when Bill Clinton is telling a lie by looking at his face?
A: If his lips are moving, then he's lying.
Q: What do Bill Clinton and a fifteen-watt light bulb have in common?
A: Neither one is very bright.
Q: What does Clinton do to lose weight?
A: Runs away from the draft.
Q: How can you tell when Clinton is ready for battle [in Bosnia]?
A: He's got his jogging suit on.
Q: What's Clinton's favorite baseball team?
A: The Dodgers.
Q: What's Bill's fondest wish now?
A: That someone would wave a hand at him using more than one finger.
Q: What's a Clinton sandwich?
A: Pure bologna piled high and deep.
Q: Why do they always fly around a live turkey in a cage on Air Force 1?
A: For spare parts.
Q: Did you hear that the Clinton's had Air Force 1 remodeled?
A: Now it's got two left wings.
Q: Why is Bill Clinton called "middle of the road Democrat"?
A: Because he's got a wide yellow stripe down the middle of his two-lane back.
Q: Why is Bill Clinton's economic plan called positively atheist?
A: Because it hasn't got a prayer.
Q: If Bill and Hillary jumped together off the Washington monument, who'd land first?
A: Who cares!
Q: How did Bill Clinton get a crick in his neck?
A: Trying to save both faces.
Q: If Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, Al Gore, and Tipper took a boat ride and the boat capsized, who would be saved?
A: The United States of America!
Q: Why is Bill Clinton diverting federal funds from improving schools to improving jails?
A: Because when his term is through, he won't be going to school.
Q: Why does Chelsea look so stupid and ugly?
A: Heredity.
Q: Why did Bill and Hillary send Chelsea to a private school?
A: If they sent her to a public school, the secret service would be out-gunned!
Q: What do Clinton and JFK have in common?
A: They haven't had any brains for the last thirty years.
Q: What happened when Bill Clinton got a shot of testosterone?
A: He turned into Hillary!
Q: Did you hear Chrysler is introducing a new car to commemorate President Clinton's election?
A: It's gonna be called the Dodge Drafter!
Q: Why does the secret service guard Hillary so closely?
A: Because if something happens to her, Bill becomes President!
Q: How many Clinton administration officials does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two--one to screw the bulb into the water faucet while the other tells us that everything possible is being done to help the situation.
Q: How many republicans does it take to raise your taxes?
A: None. The democrats do that.
Q: How many republicans does it take to disarm the law abiding public so that the government can enforce totalitarianistic and unconstitutional laws?
A: None. The Sociali--Democrats do that.
Q: How many Clinton White House officials does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. They like to keep him in the dark!
Q: Why do liberals travel in threes?
A: One to read, one to write and the other one to keep an eye on both intellectuals.
Q: What kind of neckwear does Hillary Clinton look best in?
A: A noose.
Q: What kind of jewelry does Hillary look best in?
A: Handcuffs.
Q: What Biblical and Renaissance characters does Hillary most resemble?
A: Jezebel and Lucretia Borgia.
Q: What's the best place to photograph Clinton Administration officials?
A: A police lineup.
Q: What's a conservative?
A: A liberal who made it through adolescence.
Q: What is a conservative?
A: A liberal who's been mugged.
Q: What do you get when you cross a crooked lawyer with a crooked politician?
A: Chelsea.
Q: You know what the problem with political jokes is, don't you?
A: They get elected.
Q: What famouse Arkansas State Supreme Court decision is Hilary Clinton famous for?
A: If you divorce your wife in Arkansas, is she still your cousin?
Q: Why is Chelsea Clinton a miracle child?
A: Because lawyers use their personalities for birth control.
Q: Why did Bill Clinton cross the road?
A: To tax the chicken.
Q: Why can't Bill Clinton file a defamation of character suit against his critics?
A: Because Bill Clinton has no character to defame.
Q: If called to testify in a trial how long will it before before Clinton commits perjury?
A: When he's sworn in.
Q: How many helicopters does it take for White House aides to go play a round of golf?
A: Depends on how many were photographed.
Q: Why did Bill Clinton cross the road?
A: To meet the chick.
Q: How are Boris Becker and President Clinton alike?
A: Both aren't as successful when they're not on grass.
Q: Did you hear they put two new faces on Mt. Rushmore?
A: Yeah, they were Bill Clinton.
Q: Did you know that Clinton's cat can play Chess?
A: Inside Information: The cat isn't really all that good at Chess. The last time they played best of five, Clinton won three games to two.
Q: Who would become President of the U.S.A if the President died?
A: Bill Clinton of course!
Q: How does Bill Clinton change a light bulb? A: He doesn't. He whines a while, says "I feel your pain", and gets congress to pass a billion dollar light security bill, and blames republicans and special interests for not making lightbulbs free. Q: What do the Republicans have that Bill Clinton wishes he had?
A: A mandate to govern.
Q: How can you tell that the guy who attacked the White house with a plane was insane? A: He seems to have thought Clinton would be in his own bedroom at night. Q: What did Hillary tell Bill when the Paula Jones story broke?
A: "You idiot! I told you to let Teddy Kennedy drive her home!
Q: What did Boris Yelstin say when asked if meeting Clinton made want to convert Russia to the type of government they have in America?
A: "Never! I'm not going to let my wife run the country!!"
Q: Why doesn't Bill like old houses?
A: He's afraid of the draft.
Q: What's the differents between Bill Clinton and an elephant?
A: About 20 pounds and a jogging suit.
Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and David Koresh?
A: Koresh only burned 85 people.
Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and David Koresh?
A: Some people still believe in David Koresh.
Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and Joseph Stalin?
A: Some of Stalin's subjects admired him.
Q: How many Hillary Clintons does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One--she just holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.
Q: What's the difference between Janet Reno and a school bus driver?
A: The bus driver stops to let the kids out.
Q: How does Bill keep Gennifer Flowers away from the White House?
A: He keeps offering to send Ted Kennedy over to give her a ride.
Q: When will there be a woman in the White House?
A: When Hillary leaves town.
Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and a container of yogurt?
A: Yogurt has culture.
Q: What is the best thing that ever came out of Arkansas?
A: Highway 55.
Q: Why does Clinton always have a stupid grin on his face?
A: He is stupid!
Q: Why is Clinton prone to losing his voice?
A: He keeps having to eat his words.
Q: How do you know when a liberal is really dead?
A: His heart stops bleeding.
Q: How does Al Gore spell potato?
A: T-A-T-E-R.
Q: Why is Chelsea growing up a confused child?
A: Because dad can't keep his pants on and mom wants to wear them.
Q: Why were there two presidential limousines in the inaugural parade?
A: The first one held the real president while the second one contained the president's spouse, Bill Clinton.
Q: How has Clinton made his cabinet look more like America?
A: Many of them have sixth grade reading levels.
Q: What is the difference between Bill Clinton and Jimmy Carter?
A: Jimmy Carter waited until after the inauguration to break his promises.
Q: How do you spot Al Gore in a room full of secret service agents?
A: He's the stiff one.
Q: What were the three toughest years in Al Gore's life?
A: Grade six.
Q: If Rodham gets health care, Bentsen gets treasury, and Aspin gets defense, what does Gore get?
A: Coffee.
Q: What will Bill's favorite retail outlet be after his economic blueprint takes effect?
A: Everything's $100.
Q: What was the real purpose of Bill's college visit to Moscow?
A: To study economics.
Q: What is Clinton's plan to create thousands of small businesses?
A: Take thousands of big businesses and wait four years.
Q: Why is Bill infuriated with Chelsea's new private school?
A: They broke family tradition by making her wear a uniform.
Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and Jimmy Carter?
A: It took Bill less than 100 days to botch a military mission.
Q: Why did Bill go out to sea on an aircraft carrier?
A: To promote off-shore drilling.
Q: Why did Clinton choose Canada as the site for his summit with Yeltsin?
A: So he could look up some college buddies who moved up there during the war.
Q: What does Clinton have in common with his Hollywood pals?
A: They all make a living by lying to people.
Q: Why did the Davidians commit suicide?
A: They were trying to keep up with the Joneses.
Q: Why are there more jokes about Waco than Jonestown?
A: The punch lines were too long in Jonestown.
Q: What do a Wendy's Hamburger and the Waco compound have in common?
A: They were both cooked by a guy named "Dave".
Q: What is the only thing worse than an incompetent liberal President?
A: A competent liberal President.
Q: What is the first thing that President Clinton says after waking up?
A: "Good morning, Bill."
Q: What has Clinton done that no one has been able to do in the last 5 years?
A: Unite the Republican Party.
Q: Why did Clinton waffle on military action in Bosnia?
A: His area of expertise is dodging armed conflict.
Q: How many Democrats does it take to destroy a light bulb?
A: None. They only know how to destroy the taxpayers.
Q: When did Clinton's friends become sure that he had political ambitions?
A: When he married outside of his family.
Q: What does Bill Clinton have in common with former great Presidents?
A: Absolutely nothing.
Q: What is the difference between Bill Clinton and Elvis?
A: Elvis was drafted and served proudly in the Army.
Q: Why did the IRS recently audit Bill Clinton?
A: Because he filed as head of the household.
Q: How is Clinton's health care reform a lot like his haircut?
A: It is a lot more expensive than it looks.
Q: What is the difference between a liberal and a puppy?
A: A puppy stops whining after it grows up.
Q: Why were the Clintonites pushing the BTU Tax?
A: Because they could spell it.
Q: What is the basement where White House staffers work called?
A: The whine cellar.
Q: Why aren't Clinton White House staffers given coffee breaks?
A: It takes too long to retrain them.
Q: How can you identify a computer that has been in use at the Clinton White House?
A: There is White-out on the screen.
Q: How can you tell if it was a shared computer used by many staffers?
A: There is writing on the White-out.
Q: What is the difference between an intelligent liberal and Bigfoot?
A: Bigfoot has been spotted.
Q: How is Bill Clinton like a passive-restraint device?
A: He is a bag of air that is not on the driver's side.
Q: How is Bill like a character actor?
A: When he shows character, he's acting.
Q: What is Hillary's favorite holiday?
A: Summer Solstice.
Q: What do you get when you give Bill Clinton a penny for his thoughts?
A: Change.
Q: What do you get when you cross Bill Clinton with a gorilla?
A: Who knows? There is only so much a gorilla can be forced to do.
Q: What is Clinton's favorite war song?
A: "Over Here"
Q: What costume did Bill Clinton wear to a Halloween party that scared everyone to death?
A: He came dressed as a two-term president.
Q: Why is Perot's wife glad he didn't get elected?
A: If he won, they would have to move to a smaller house in a bad neighborhood.
Q: What is the difference between liberalism and socialism?
A: Socialism is dead.
Q: What is the difference between Clinton's health care plan and a kidney stone?
A: A kidney stone is easier to pass.
Q: What is the difference between Hitler and Bill Clinton?
A: Hitler intended to deliver on his speeches.
Q: What is the difference between the U.S. and the former USSR?
A: The U.S. still has a Communist Party in power.
Q: What does Clinton need to stop the white water?
A: A water gate.
Q: Why are they renaming Arkansas Highway 50 the "Bill Clinton Highway?"
A: The road is crooked, slick, and has a yellow stripe down the middle.
Q: What do Hillary Clinton and the Dallas Cowboys have in common?
A: They both dominate Bills.
Q: What is the difference between TV characters Dan and Roseanne Conner and the Clintons?
A: The Conners own their own home.
Q: What is the difference between Whitewater and Watergate?
A: No one died in Watergate.
Q: What is Hillary's new nickname after her latest hairstyle?
A: Oldielocks.
Q: What are the administration's favorite words in foreign policy?
A: We have not ruled out military force.
Q: What would one get with a donation to Rostenkowski's legal fund?
A: A free stamp.
Q: Why are staff cuts so difficult for Clinton?
A: He can't give a woman a pink slip without asking her to try it on first.
Q: Which of the following does not belong: AIDS, gonorrhea, herpes, or Bill Clinton?
A: Gonorrhea--it can be cured.
Q: Why was Roger Clinton's wedding delayed 5 days?
A: The bride's father had to wait 5 days to buy the shotgun.
Q: How are Congressmen and baseball players alike?
A: They are millionaires who work 3 hours a day and left in August not finishing what they had started.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the Atlantic?
A: To attend D-Day celebrations.
Q: What do you get when you cross Bill Clinton and James Dean?
A: A man without a clue.
Q: How did we know long before the Haiti invasion that Clinton was planning to go to war?
A: He visited Oxford.
Q: How is Bill Clinton like an unemployed school teacher?
A: No class and no principals.
Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and a pickpocket?
A: A pickpocket snatches watches.
Q: What does Hillary have in common with the city of Buffalo?
A: They both have Bills that are losers.
Q: Why does the Clinton administration want to reinvent government?
A: They are having a lot of trouble dealing with the existing form...democracy.
Q: Who should Clinton have used to overthrow Haiti's military?
A: John Elway.
Q: Why is Clinton so interested in events in the Middle East?
A: He thinks the Gaza Strip is a topless bar.
Q: Why does Hillary think her husband is a model president?
A: Because a model is a small imitation of the real thing.
Q: What does Hillary Clinton have in common with Gerald Ford?
A: They both became president without being elected.
Q: What's the difference between the Waco ATF and Bill Clinton?
A: BIll Clinton burned 260,000,000 people.
Q: What do call someone who sees the glass in front of him half full?
A: An optimist.
Q: Well, then what do you call someone who sees the glass in front of him as half empty?
A: Teddy Kennedy.
Q: What did Teddy Kennedy say when he heard of JFK's assassination?
A: He couldn't have been shot in the temple! We're not Jewish!
Q: Why did Ted Kennedy spend four hours in the voting booth?
A: He thought he was in a confessional.
Q: Why did the Clintons switch from MCI to AT&T?
A: They didn't have enough friends left to make a calling circle.
Q: What's the difference between President Hoover and Clinton?
A: One promised a chicken in every pot and the other was an unpromising chicken who smoked pot.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To get away from Bill Clinton.
Q: What's the difference between Clinton and Christopher Reeve?
A: Clinton is dead from the neck up.
Q: Where are the two biggest airbags located?
A: The White House.
Q: Who was the first liberal Democrat?
A: Christopher Columbus. He left not knowing where he was going, got there not knowing where he was, left not knowing where he'd been, and did it all on borrowed money.
Q: Did you hear that someone threw a bottle of beer at Clinton?
A: Yes, but it's ok. It was a Draft and he was able to dodge it.
Q: What's Bill Clinton's least expensive hobby?
A: To sit in the Oval Office and collect dust.
Q: Did you hear that Tyson Foods has genetically engineered a new breed of chicken and named it in honor of Bill Clinton?
A: It's a brainless, spineless, tar-and-feathers yellow chicken.
Q: Why is Bill Clinton the living proof of reincarnation?
A: Because no one could get this stupid in one lifetime.
Q: Do you know why Clinton gave the Federal employees the day off on Wednesday?
A: It was Secretaries' Day and he was too cheap to buy his a present!
Q: What's a word for Clintons '92 campaign
A: A snow job.
Q: What will you get if Clinton's health bill passes?
A: No Job.
Q: How many Democrats does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: It's irrelevant; they still don't know they're in the dark!
Q: What's the best job a dumb blonde ever had?
A: Vice-president of the United States.
Q: Have you heard about the new Bill Clinton doll?
A: You pull a little ring and it never tells the same story twice!
Q: What do Hillary Clinton and Marie Antoinette have in common?
A: Nothing . . . yet.
Q: Why does Hillary Clinton often wear turtle necks when attending Bill's speaking engagements?
A: So you can't see her adam's apple move as he speaks.
Q: What's Clinton doing to make Americans happy?
A: If you've paid your tax bill and have enough money left to feed your family--you're happy.
A: Punch him in the nose.
Q: What does Jeffrey Dahmer's victims and The Clintons' hair styles have in common?
A: They both look like the work of a butcher.
Q: If The Clinton's were younger, do you think they would have known the Clampents?
A: Possibly, Bill might have made Jethro's acquaintance in the 6th grade.
Q: Why doesn't Hillary cut Bill's hair?
A: He won't pay her $300.
Q: What are the two worst things about Bill Clinton?
A: His face.
Q: What is the Arkansas state flower?
A: Gennifer.
Q: Know how to solve the Serbian/Bosnian problem in less than 48 hours?
A: Put Janet Reno in charge.
Q: What's the difference between a Bill Clinton and a carp?
A: One's a scum sucking bottom feeder and the other's a fish.
Q: What's the difference between Hillary Clinton and a pit bull?
A: The pit bull doesn't carry a briefcase.
Q: How does Bill Clinton say "I'm about to hurt you"?
A: "Trust me."
Q: What is the difference between Dan Quayle, Bill Clinton and Jane Fonda?
A: Jane Fonda went to Vietnam.
Q: How can you tell Bill Clinton apart from a cow?
A: By the wise look in the eyes.
Q: How can you tell Bill Clinton from a bunch of dead bodies?
A: He's the stiff one.
Q: How many Bill Clintons does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two--One to promise he'll do it better than anyone else and one to obscure the issues.
Q: How many Bill Clintons does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None--He'll only promise "change."
Q: How many Bill Clintons does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: He doesn't! He whines a while, says "I feel your pain", and gets congress to pass a billion dollar light security bill, and blames Republicans and special interests for not making lightbulbs free.
Q: Why are people in Arkansas having peanut butter and jelly for Thanksgiving this year?
A: Because they're sending their turkey to the White House!
Q: Why are people in Arkansas having peanut butter and jelly for Thanksgiving this year?
A: Because they can't afford any more pork.
Q: Why are people in Arkansas having peanut butter and jelly for Thanksgiving this year?
A: Reagan ate all the jellybeans.
Q: Why are people in Arkansas having peanut butter and jelly for Thanksgiving this year?
A: They've been having turkey for years.
Q: Why are people in Arkansas having peanut butter and jelly for Thanksgiving this year?
A: Because Clinton "invested" all the turkey.
Q: What were Bill and Chelsea Clinton doing in the voting booth?
A: Bill was giving his daughter a lesson in Civics, how to ruin the people!
Q: What does Teddy Kennedy have that Bill Clinton wishes he did?
A: A dead girlfriend.
Q: What's the difference between Personal Injury lawyers and Congress?
A: No fee--If No Recovery!
Q: How did Bill and Hillary Clinton meet?
A: They were dating the same girl in high school.
Q: How can you tell when Bill Clinton is lying?
A: Only a Bill Clinton supporter is too dumb to know the answer to this one.
Q: How can you tell when Bill Clinton is telling a lie by looking at his face?
A: If his lips are moving, then he's lying.
Q: What do Bill Clinton and a fifteen-watt light bulb have in common?
A: Neither one is very bright.
Q: What does Clinton do to lose weight?
A: Runs away from the draft.
Q: How can you tell when Clinton is ready for battle [in Bosnia]?
A: He's got his jogging suit on.
Q: What's Clinton's favorite baseball team?
A: The Dodgers.
Q: What's Bill's fondest wish now?
A: That someone would wave a hand at him using more than one finger.
Q: What's a Clinton sandwich?
A: Pure bologna piled high and deep.
Q: Why do they always fly around a live turkey in a cage on Air Force 1?
A: For spare parts.
Q: Did you hear that the Clinton's had Air Force 1 remodeled?
A: Now it's got two left wings.
Q: Why is Bill Clinton called "middle of the road Democrat"?
A: Because he's got a wide yellow stripe down the middle of his two-lane back.
Q: Why is Bill Clinton's economic plan called positively atheist?
A: Because it hasn't got a prayer.
Q: If Bill and Hillary jumped together off the Washington monument, who'd land first?
A: Who cares!
Q: How did Bill Clinton get a crick in his neck?
A: Trying to save both faces.
Q: If Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, Al Gore, and Tipper took a boat ride and the boat capsized, who would be saved?
A: The United States of America!
Q: Why is Bill Clinton diverting federal funds from improving schools to improving jails?
A: Because when his term is through, he won't be going to school.
Q: Why does Chelsea look so stupid and ugly?
A: Heredity.
Q: Why did Bill and Hillary send Chelsea to a private school?
A: If they sent her to a public school, the secret service would be out-gunned!
Q: What do Clinton and JFK have in common?
A: They haven't had any brains for the last thirty years.
Q: What happened when Bill Clinton got a shot of testosterone?
A: He turned into Hillary!
Q: Did you hear Chrysler is introducing a new car to commemorate President Clinton's election?
A: It's gonna be called the Dodge Drafter!
Q: Why does the secret service guard Hillary so closely?
A: Because if something happens to her, Bill becomes President!
Q: How many Clinton administration officials does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two--one to screw the bulb into the water faucet while the other tells us that everything possible is being done to help the situation.
Q: How many republicans does it take to raise your taxes?
A: None. The democrats do that.
Q: How many republicans does it take to disarm the law abiding public so that the government can enforce totalitarianistic and unconstitutional laws?
A: None. The Sociali--Democrats do that.
Q: How many Clinton White House officials does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. They like to keep him in the dark!
Q: Why do liberals travel in threes?
A: One to read, one to write and the other one to keep an eye on both intellectuals.
Q: What kind of neckwear does Hillary Clinton look best in?
A: A noose.
Q: What kind of jewelry does Hillary look best in?
A: Handcuffs.
Q: What Biblical and Renaissance characters does Hillary most resemble?
A: Jezebel and Lucretia Borgia.
Q: What's the best place to photograph Clinton Administration officials?
A: A police lineup.
Q: What's a conservative?
A: A liberal who made it through adolescence.
Q: What is a conservative?
A: A liberal who's been mugged.
Q: What do you get when you cross a crooked lawyer with a crooked politician?
A: Chelsea.
Q: You know what the problem with political jokes is, don't you?
A: They get elected.
Q: What famouse Arkansas State Supreme Court decision is Hilary Clinton famous for?
A: If you divorce your wife in Arkansas, is she still your cousin?
Q: Why is Chelsea Clinton a miracle child?
A: Because lawyers use their personalities for birth control.
Q: Why did Bill Clinton cross the road?
A: To tax the chicken.
Q: Why can't Bill Clinton file a defamation of character suit against his critics?
A: Because Bill Clinton has no character to defame.
Q: If called to testify in a trial how long will it before before Clinton commits perjury?
A: When he's sworn in.
Q: How many helicopters does it take for White House aides to go play a round of golf?
A: Depends on how many were photographed.
Q: Why did Bill Clinton cross the road?
A: To meet the chick.
Q: How are Boris Becker and President Clinton alike?
A: Both aren't as successful when they're not on grass.
Q: Did you hear they put two new faces on Mt. Rushmore?
A: Yeah, they were Bill Clinton.
Q: Did you know that Clinton's cat can play Chess?
A: Inside Information: The cat isn't really all that good at Chess. The last time they played best of five, Clinton won three games to two.
Q: Who would become President of the U.S.A if the President died?
A: Bill Clinton of course!
Q: How does Bill Clinton change a light bulb? A: He doesn't. He whines a while, says "I feel your pain", and gets congress to pass a billion dollar light security bill, and blames republicans and special interests for not making lightbulbs free. Q: What do the Republicans have that Bill Clinton wishes he had?
A: A mandate to govern.
Q: How can you tell that the guy who attacked the White house with a plane was insane? A: He seems to have thought Clinton would be in his own bedroom at night. Q: What did Hillary tell Bill when the Paula Jones story broke?
A: "You idiot! I told you to let Teddy Kennedy drive her home!
Q: What did Boris Yelstin say when asked if meeting Clinton made want to convert Russia to the type of government they have in America?
A: "Never! I'm not going to let my wife run the country!!"
Q: Why doesn't Bill like old houses?
A: He's afraid of the draft.
Q: What's the differents between Bill Clinton and an elephant?
A: About 20 pounds and a jogging suit.
Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and David Koresh?
A: Koresh only burned 85 people.
Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and David Koresh?
A: Some people still believe in David Koresh.
Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and Joseph Stalin?
A: Some of Stalin's subjects admired him.
Q: How many Hillary Clintons does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One--she just holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.
Q: What's the difference between Janet Reno and a school bus driver?
A: The bus driver stops to let the kids out.
Q: How does Bill keep Gennifer Flowers away from the White House?
A: He keeps offering to send Ted Kennedy over to give her a ride.
Q: When will there be a woman in the White House?
A: When Hillary leaves town.
Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and a container of yogurt?
A: Yogurt has culture.
Q: What is the best thing that ever came out of Arkansas?
A: Highway 55.
Q: Why does Clinton always have a stupid grin on his face?
A: He is stupid!
Q: Why is Clinton prone to losing his voice?
A: He keeps having to eat his words.
Q: How do you know when a liberal is really dead?
A: His heart stops bleeding.
Q: How does Al Gore spell potato?
A: T-A-T-E-R.
Q: Why is Chelsea growing up a confused child?
A: Because dad can't keep his pants on and mom wants to wear them.
Q: Why were there two presidential limousines in the inaugural parade?
A: The first one held the real president while the second one contained the president's spouse, Bill Clinton.
Q: How has Clinton made his cabinet look more like America?
A: Many of them have sixth grade reading levels.
Q: What is the difference between Bill Clinton and Jimmy Carter?
A: Jimmy Carter waited until after the inauguration to break his promises.
Q: How do you spot Al Gore in a room full of secret service agents?
A: He's the stiff one.
Q: What were the three toughest years in Al Gore's life?
A: Grade six.
Q: If Rodham gets health care, Bentsen gets treasury, and Aspin gets defense, what does Gore get?
A: Coffee.
Q: What will Bill's favorite retail outlet be after his economic blueprint takes effect?
A: Everything's $100.
Q: What was the real purpose of Bill's college visit to Moscow?
A: To study economics.
Q: What is Clinton's plan to create thousands of small businesses?
A: Take thousands of big businesses and wait four years.
Q: Why is Bill infuriated with Chelsea's new private school?
A: They broke family tradition by making her wear a uniform.
Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and Jimmy Carter?
A: It took Bill less than 100 days to botch a military mission.
Q: Why did Bill go out to sea on an aircraft carrier?
A: To promote off-shore drilling.
Q: Why did Clinton choose Canada as the site for his summit with Yeltsin?
A: So he could look up some college buddies who moved up there during the war.
Q: What does Clinton have in common with his Hollywood pals?
A: They all make a living by lying to people.
Q: Why did the Davidians commit suicide?
A: They were trying to keep up with the Joneses.
Q: Why are there more jokes about Waco than Jonestown?
A: The punch lines were too long in Jonestown.
Q: What do a Wendy's Hamburger and the Waco compound have in common?
A: They were both cooked by a guy named "Dave".
Q: What is the only thing worse than an incompetent liberal President?
A: A competent liberal President.
Q: What is the first thing that President Clinton says after waking up?
A: "Good morning, Bill."
Q: What has Clinton done that no one has been able to do in the last 5 years?
A: Unite the Republican Party.
Q: Why did Clinton waffle on military action in Bosnia?
A: His area of expertise is dodging armed conflict.
Q: How many Democrats does it take to destroy a light bulb?
A: None. They only know how to destroy the taxpayers.
Q: When did Clinton's friends become sure that he had political ambitions?
A: When he married outside of his family.
Q: What does Bill Clinton have in common with former great Presidents?
A: Absolutely nothing.
Q: What is the difference between Bill Clinton and Elvis?
A: Elvis was drafted and served proudly in the Army.
Q: Why did the IRS recently audit Bill Clinton?
A: Because he filed as head of the household.
Q: How is Clinton's health care reform a lot like his haircut?
A: It is a lot more expensive than it looks.
Q: What is the difference between a liberal and a puppy?
A: A puppy stops whining after it grows up.
Q: Why were the Clintonites pushing the BTU Tax?
A: Because they could spell it.
Q: What is the basement where White House staffers work called?
A: The whine cellar.
Q: Why aren't Clinton White House staffers given coffee breaks?
A: It takes too long to retrain them.
Q: How can you identify a computer that has been in use at the Clinton White House?
A: There is White-out on the screen.
Q: How can you tell if it was a shared computer used by many staffers?
A: There is writing on the White-out.
Q: What is the difference between an intelligent liberal and Bigfoot?
A: Bigfoot has been spotted.
Q: How is Bill Clinton like a passive-restraint device?
A: He is a bag of air that is not on the driver's side.
Q: How is Bill like a character actor?
A: When he shows character, he's acting.
Q: What is Hillary's favorite holiday?
A: Summer Solstice.
Q: What do you get when you give Bill Clinton a penny for his thoughts?
A: Change.
Q: What do you get when you cross Bill Clinton with a gorilla?
A: Who knows? There is only so much a gorilla can be forced to do.
Q: What is Clinton's favorite war song?
A: "Over Here"
Q: What costume did Bill Clinton wear to a Halloween party that scared everyone to death?
A: He came dressed as a two-term president.
Q: Why is Perot's wife glad he didn't get elected?
A: If he won, they would have to move to a smaller house in a bad neighborhood.
Q: What is the difference between liberalism and socialism?
A: Socialism is dead.
Q: What is the difference between Clinton's health care plan and a kidney stone?
A: A kidney stone is easier to pass.
Q: What is the difference between Hitler and Bill Clinton?
A: Hitler intended to deliver on his speeches.
Q: What is the difference between the U.S. and the former USSR?
A: The U.S. still has a Communist Party in power.
Q: What does Clinton need to stop the white water?
A: A water gate.
Q: Why are they renaming Arkansas Highway 50 the "Bill Clinton Highway?"
A: The road is crooked, slick, and has a yellow stripe down the middle.
Q: What do Hillary Clinton and the Dallas Cowboys have in common?
A: They both dominate Bills.
Q: What is the difference between TV characters Dan and Roseanne Conner and the Clintons?
A: The Conners own their own home.
Q: What is the difference between Whitewater and Watergate?
A: No one died in Watergate.
Q: What is Hillary's new nickname after her latest hairstyle?
A: Oldielocks.
Q: What are the administration's favorite words in foreign policy?
A: We have not ruled out military force.
Q: What would one get with a donation to Rostenkowski's legal fund?
A: A free stamp.
Q: Why are staff cuts so difficult for Clinton?
A: He can't give a woman a pink slip without asking her to try it on first.
Q: Which of the following does not belong: AIDS, gonorrhea, herpes, or Bill Clinton?
A: Gonorrhea--it can be cured.
Q: Why was Roger Clinton's wedding delayed 5 days?
A: The bride's father had to wait 5 days to buy the shotgun.
Q: How are Congressmen and baseball players alike?
A: They are millionaires who work 3 hours a day and left in August not finishing what they had started.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the Atlantic?
A: To attend D-Day celebrations.
Q: What do you get when you cross Bill Clinton and James Dean?
A: A man without a clue.
Q: How did we know long before the Haiti invasion that Clinton was planning to go to war?
A: He visited Oxford.
Q: How is Bill Clinton like an unemployed school teacher?
A: No class and no principals.
Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and a pickpocket?
A: A pickpocket snatches watches.
Q: What does Hillary have in common with the city of Buffalo?
A: They both have Bills that are losers.
Q: Why does the Clinton administration want to reinvent government?
A: They are having a lot of trouble dealing with the existing form...democracy.
Q: Who should Clinton have used to overthrow Haiti's military?
A: John Elway.
Q: Why is Clinton so interested in events in the Middle East?
A: He thinks the Gaza Strip is a topless bar.
Q: Why does Hillary think her husband is a model president?
A: Because a model is a small imitation of the real thing.
Q: What does Hillary Clinton have in common with Gerald Ford?
A: They both became president without being elected.
Q: What's the difference between the Waco ATF and Bill Clinton?
A: BIll Clinton burned 260,000,000 people.
Q: What do call someone who sees the glass in front of him half full?
A: An optimist.
Q: Well, then what do you call someone who sees the glass in front of him as half empty?
A: Teddy Kennedy.
Q: What did Teddy Kennedy say when he heard of JFK's assassination?
A: He couldn't have been shot in the temple! We're not Jewish!
Q: Why did Ted Kennedy spend four hours in the voting booth?
A: He thought he was in a confessional.
Q: Why did the Clintons switch from MCI to AT&T?
A: They didn't have enough friends left to make a calling circle.
Q: What's the difference between President Hoover and Clinton?
A: One promised a chicken in every pot and the other was an unpromising chicken who smoked pot.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To get away from Bill Clinton.
Q: What's the difference between Clinton and Christopher Reeve?
A: Clinton is dead from the neck up.
Q: Where are the two biggest airbags located?
A: The White House.
Q: Who was the first liberal Democrat?
A: Christopher Columbus. He left not knowing where he was going, got there not knowing where he was, left not knowing where he'd been, and did it all on borrowed money.
Q: Did you hear that someone threw a bottle of beer at Clinton?
A: Yes, but it's ok. It was a Draft and he was able to dodge it.
Q: What's Bill Clinton's least expensive hobby?
A: To sit in the Oval Office and collect dust.
Q: Did you hear that Tyson Foods has genetically engineered a new breed of chicken and named it in honor of Bill Clinton?
A: It's a brainless, spineless, tar-and-feathers yellow chicken.
Q: Why is Bill Clinton the living proof of reincarnation?
A: Because no one could get this stupid in one lifetime.
Q: Do you know why Clinton gave the Federal employees the day off on Wednesday?
A: It was Secretaries' Day and he was too cheap to buy his a present!
Q: What's a word for Clintons '92 campaign
A: A snow job.
Q: What will you get if Clinton's health bill passes?
A: No Job.
Q: How many Democrats does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: It's irrelevant; they still don't know they're in the dark!
Q: What's the best job a dumb blonde ever had?
A: Vice-president of the United States.
Q: Have you heard about the new Bill Clinton doll?
A: You pull a little ring and it never tells the same story twice!
Q: What do Hillary Clinton and Marie Antoinette have in common?
A: Nothing . . . yet.
Q: Why does Hillary Clinton often wear turtle necks when attending Bill's speaking engagements?
A: So you can't see her adam's apple move as he speaks.
Q: What's Clinton doing to make Americans happy?
A: If you've paid your tax bill and have enough money left to feed your family--you're happy.
The exact same answer for each
This simple three question test
illustrates how often Bill Clinton must be telling lies.
1. Is the Pope catholic?
2. Does Windows have bugs?
3. Does Clinton lie?
1. Is the Pope catholic?
2. Does Windows have bugs?
3. Does Clinton lie?
Clinton administration medical dictionary
Acute: Opposite of an ugly
Artery: The study of paintings
Bacteria: Back door of a cafeteria
Barium: What doctors do to dead patients
Benign: What you are after you're eight.
Bowel: Letter like A,E,I,O, or U
Cat scan: Searching for a kitty
Cauterize: Made eye contact with her
Cesarean Section: Neighborhood in Rome
Colic: A sheep dog
Concussion: A prisoner's sofa
Congenital: To be friendly
D & C: Where the White House is
Dilate: To live too long
Enema: Not a friend
Fester: Quicker
Fibula: A small lie
GI series: A soldier ball game
Hangnail: A coat hook
Impotent: Distinguished, well known
Jaundice: To include in a group
Kinesthetics: Relationships among relatives
Labor pain: Getting hurt at work
Leper: A wild cat
Malaria: Shopping place
Medical staff: A doctor's cane
Morbid: A higher bid
Nitrates: Cheaper than day rates
Node: Was aware of
Outpatient: A person who fainted
Pelvis: A cousin of Elvis
Post-operative: A letter carrier
Recovery room: A place used for upholstery work.
Rectum: It almost killed him
Rheumatic: Amorous
Secretion: Hiding something
Seizure: A Roman emperor
Serology: Study of English Knighthood
Tablet: A small table
Terminal illness: Getting sick at the airport
Tumor: More than one
Urine: Opposite of you're out
Varicose: Nearby
Vein: Conceited
Artery: The study of paintings
Bacteria: Back door of a cafeteria
Barium: What doctors do to dead patients
Benign: What you are after you're eight.
Bowel: Letter like A,E,I,O, or U
Cat scan: Searching for a kitty
Cauterize: Made eye contact with her
Cesarean Section: Neighborhood in Rome
Colic: A sheep dog
Concussion: A prisoner's sofa
Congenital: To be friendly
D & C: Where the White House is
Dilate: To live too long
Enema: Not a friend
Fester: Quicker
Fibula: A small lie
GI series: A soldier ball game
Hangnail: A coat hook
Impotent: Distinguished, well known
Jaundice: To include in a group
Kinesthetics: Relationships among relatives
Labor pain: Getting hurt at work
Leper: A wild cat
Malaria: Shopping place
Medical staff: A doctor's cane
Morbid: A higher bid
Nitrates: Cheaper than day rates
Node: Was aware of
Outpatient: A person who fainted
Pelvis: A cousin of Elvis
Post-operative: A letter carrier
Recovery room: A place used for upholstery work.
Rectum: It almost killed him
Rheumatic: Amorous
Secretion: Hiding something
Seizure: A Roman emperor
Serology: Study of English Knighthood
Tablet: A small table
Terminal illness: Getting sick at the airport
Tumor: More than one
Urine: Opposite of you're out
Varicose: Nearby
Vein: Conceited
Clinton one-liners
Clinton and Gore: They have what
it takes to take what you've got!
"Carter is no longer the worst U.S. President"
"I am Clinton of Borg. Your incomes will be assimilated."
Thank you, Bill Clinton, for costing me my job. I will repay you in 1996.
Hey Hillary! Shut-up and redecorate!
My other car was cancelled by the Clinton Tax Bill.
It's the spending stupid!
If Clinton was the answer, it must have been a real stupid question!
Clinton in 1996--NOT!!
I'm not Fonda Clinton
Rodhamhood: She steals from everyone to give to the government.
Bill Clinton is living proof why stupid people shouldn't vote.
Voter: "The joke's over, bring back Bush."
Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill Clinton. The Dodge Draft will begin production in Canada this year.
When Clinton was asked what he thought about foreign affairs, he replied, "I don't know. I never had one."
If you came across Bill Clinton struggling in a raging river and you had a choice between rescuing him or getting a Pulitzer prize-winning photograph, what shutter speed would you use?
Chelsea asked her dad, "Do all fairy tales begin with once upon a time...?" Bill Clinton replied, "No. Some begin with 'After I'm elected...'"
President Clinton will be starring in his own TV show next season. It's called "Welcome Back Carter".
Did you hear it took three secret service agents to hold Hillary's hand down during the swearing-in ceremony?
If the Clinton's divorce before 1996, who will get the house?
When Clinton was asked about Roe vs. Wade, he replied "I think the Haitians had better row because it is too far to wade."
Clinton's mother prayed fervently that Bill would grow up and be president. So far, half of her prayer has been answered.
The money clip of the 90's will be a penny stuck in a paper clip.
Bill Clinton's 11th Commandment: Thou shalt not commit thyself!
Bill Clinton has been mistakenly characterized as a "yes man" when he is really a "yes ma'am."
The problem with a government-run trust fund is that there is too little of either.
Clinton should be proud. He has done more in six months than Jimmy Carter in four years.
Isn't putting Bill Clinton in charge of a trust fund as insane as putting in a draft-dodger as Commander in Chief?
Clinton only lacks three things to become one of America's finest leaders: Integrity, vision, and wisdom.
Asked about his views on euthanasia, Clinton replied, "Youth in Asia are just like kids everywhere else."
Diapers and congressmen need to be changed frequently for much the same reason.
Clinton is doing the work of 3 men: Larry, Curly, and Moe.
If 50% of adults are illiterate, how come Bill only got 43% of the vote?
The good news about Clinton's health care is that everyone will be covered. The bad news is that it will be with dirt.
If character is not an issue, why isn't Ted Kennedy president?
Clinton floated a strike on baseball's opening day but most of his pitches are high and to the left.
If Clinton wanted legislation to burn down the Capitol building, Republicans in the Senate would introduce a compromise bill to burn it down over three years.
Food stamps are rationed so what makes you think government-run health care won't be?
No one can call Clinton a cheap taxpayer. Look at how much he is costing the taxpayers.
When Bill's Congress passes a law, it's a joke...but when Hillary tells a joke, it' the law.
Ever since he met JFK, Clinton wanted to be president in the worst possible way...now he's succeeding beyond his wildest dreams.
Oxymoron of 1994: Whitewater Development.
Have you heard about the new Bill Clinton doll? You pull the string and it never tells the same story twice!
A George Bush watch has no hands and says "read my lips."
A Ross Perot watch only runs sometimes.
A Clinton watch has two faces and neither one works.
One thing's sure about Clinton--he sure doesn't neglect domestic affairs.
Bob Kerrey, when asked about Bill Clinton dodging the draft: "Do I care if he evaded the draft? Well, a part of me does." [Mr. Kerrey lost a leg in Vietnam]
Bill Clinton. The perfect thing if pro wrestling is too complicated for you.
A 200 dollar hair cut? What kind of example does that set? With hair like Clinton's, two hundred bucks isn't enough to make it look right.
"Death, Taxes, and Democrats will always be with us, at least Death never gets any worse"
Why doesn't Clinton have the courage to call his plan what it really is? "Socialism"
Clinton is not a "tax and spend" Democrat, he is a "contribute and invest" democrat.
On the Apirl 23, 1993 Tonight show, Jay Leno noted in his monologue that Clinton had broken so many promises that he has actually run out of promises to break! So he has asked his aids to bring him a list of all of Reagan's and Bush's promises so he can start working on breaking their promises too!
I've heard of the Clintons being referred to as Billary, combining Bill and Hillary. Well, why not switch it around and say "Hillbilly"... Hey! That fits all too well. And please I mean no offense to the President. Or her husband.
From The Simpsons in April of 1993:
[Bart] Didn't you think there was something wrong when you were getting checks for doing nothing?
[Grandpa] I thought it was because the Democrats were back in power.
Reporter 1: The cult members seem totally brainwashed, and still place their blind faith in a false savior offering hollow promises of salvation!
Reporter 2: And that concludes our report from the Clinton White House.
The two U.S. cities with the highest alcohol consumption are Las Vegas and Washington, DC. The difference between the two is that in Washington the drunks are gambling with our money!
"Change, change, change... That's all we'll have in our pockets if Bill Clinton is elected president." -- George Bush
"Bill's brother who who owns a band, Politics, will be playing at the inauguration if Bill Clinton gets elected. Bill's brother will bring down the house just like Bill Clinton will bring down the country." -- MTV News
Vote Democrat... It's easier than getting a job.
"They are Drawing Up Lists of Tax Increases and Cuts in Entitlement Programs. One Target: Big Corporations"
Which is worse, a Vice-President who can't spell or a President who can't add?
There are too many bills to pay without having to pay the one in Washington.
We were so poor that even Bill Clinton's tax plan would't call us rich.
"When Clinton said he was going to create 8 million new jobs, I didn't think they were all going to be tax collectors." -- Jay Leno
The trouble with political jokes is that the dumbest one of them got elected President.
Election night
Bill: ``Honey, we won!''
Hillary: ``Honestly?!''
Bill: ``Let's not bring that up...''
Clinton is trying to tell us a no-frills medical care plan. Trouble is, medical care is a frill.
Bill: ``Have you heard my last speech?''
Hillary: ``No, I didn't know it was the last one!''
Want to leave the other country absolutely devasted? Ruined? Unable to function for years?
Well, great, bring the troops home and send over some politicians.
One advantage Clinton has over past presidents is that doesn't have to worry about how much time he should spend on his re-election campaign.
Is Whitewater used to wash the Yellow Streak off of Bill Clinton's draft dodging back?
Oxymoron of the century:
Liberal Mastermind . . .
Whitewater Development
Bill Clinton . . . a good reason not to root for anyone playing Arkansas.
I don't trust President Clinton or her husband.
The Clinton Administration: Stupid is as stupid does.
Democrats seem to think they have a monopoly on protest.
Bill Clinton virus - System makes lots of noise, but nothing happens.
[Post 1994 Election aftermath]
I hear that thousands of rafts overflowing with Democrats are washing up on the shores of Cuba.
"Bill and Hillary have provided the special prosecutor with every shred of evidence they have." -- Al Gore
President Bevis, Vice President Butthead
I thought that happened in November of 1992.
There was a line in George's speech where he said I raised taxes one time and I lived to regret it. Bill Clinton did it 132 times and loved every minute.
"When Bill Clinton blows his taxophone, America will be singing the blues." -- George Bush
Clinton: "I will consult both sides of the issue on Free Trade."
Reporter: "Uh, That would be you Governor Clinton!"
After seeing footage from the new movie "The Lion King," I want to dedicate a movie to Bill Clinton. I'd like to call it "The Lion President."
"Carter is no longer the worst U.S. President"
"I am Clinton of Borg. Your incomes will be assimilated."
Thank you, Bill Clinton, for costing me my job. I will repay you in 1996.
Hey Hillary! Shut-up and redecorate!
My other car was cancelled by the Clinton Tax Bill.
It's the spending stupid!
If Clinton was the answer, it must have been a real stupid question!
Clinton in 1996--NOT!!
I'm not Fonda Clinton
Rodhamhood: She steals from everyone to give to the government.
Bill Clinton is living proof why stupid people shouldn't vote.
Voter: "The joke's over, bring back Bush."
Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill Clinton. The Dodge Draft will begin production in Canada this year.
When Clinton was asked what he thought about foreign affairs, he replied, "I don't know. I never had one."
If you came across Bill Clinton struggling in a raging river and you had a choice between rescuing him or getting a Pulitzer prize-winning photograph, what shutter speed would you use?
Chelsea asked her dad, "Do all fairy tales begin with once upon a time...?" Bill Clinton replied, "No. Some begin with 'After I'm elected...'"
President Clinton will be starring in his own TV show next season. It's called "Welcome Back Carter".
Did you hear it took three secret service agents to hold Hillary's hand down during the swearing-in ceremony?
If the Clinton's divorce before 1996, who will get the house?
When Clinton was asked about Roe vs. Wade, he replied "I think the Haitians had better row because it is too far to wade."
Clinton's mother prayed fervently that Bill would grow up and be president. So far, half of her prayer has been answered.
The money clip of the 90's will be a penny stuck in a paper clip.
Bill Clinton's 11th Commandment: Thou shalt not commit thyself!
Bill Clinton has been mistakenly characterized as a "yes man" when he is really a "yes ma'am."
The problem with a government-run trust fund is that there is too little of either.
Clinton should be proud. He has done more in six months than Jimmy Carter in four years.
Isn't putting Bill Clinton in charge of a trust fund as insane as putting in a draft-dodger as Commander in Chief?
Clinton only lacks three things to become one of America's finest leaders: Integrity, vision, and wisdom.
Asked about his views on euthanasia, Clinton replied, "Youth in Asia are just like kids everywhere else."
Diapers and congressmen need to be changed frequently for much the same reason.
Clinton is doing the work of 3 men: Larry, Curly, and Moe.
If 50% of adults are illiterate, how come Bill only got 43% of the vote?
The good news about Clinton's health care is that everyone will be covered. The bad news is that it will be with dirt.
If character is not an issue, why isn't Ted Kennedy president?
Clinton floated a strike on baseball's opening day but most of his pitches are high and to the left.
If Clinton wanted legislation to burn down the Capitol building, Republicans in the Senate would introduce a compromise bill to burn it down over three years.
Food stamps are rationed so what makes you think government-run health care won't be?
No one can call Clinton a cheap taxpayer. Look at how much he is costing the taxpayers.
When Bill's Congress passes a law, it's a joke...but when Hillary tells a joke, it' the law.
Ever since he met JFK, Clinton wanted to be president in the worst possible way...now he's succeeding beyond his wildest dreams.
Oxymoron of 1994: Whitewater Development.
Have you heard about the new Bill Clinton doll? You pull the string and it never tells the same story twice!
A George Bush watch has no hands and says "read my lips."
A Ross Perot watch only runs sometimes.
A Clinton watch has two faces and neither one works.
One thing's sure about Clinton--he sure doesn't neglect domestic affairs.
Bob Kerrey, when asked about Bill Clinton dodging the draft: "Do I care if he evaded the draft? Well, a part of me does." [Mr. Kerrey lost a leg in Vietnam]
Bill Clinton. The perfect thing if pro wrestling is too complicated for you.
A 200 dollar hair cut? What kind of example does that set? With hair like Clinton's, two hundred bucks isn't enough to make it look right.
"Death, Taxes, and Democrats will always be with us, at least Death never gets any worse"
Why doesn't Clinton have the courage to call his plan what it really is? "Socialism"
Clinton is not a "tax and spend" Democrat, he is a "contribute and invest" democrat.
On the Apirl 23, 1993 Tonight show, Jay Leno noted in his monologue that Clinton had broken so many promises that he has actually run out of promises to break! So he has asked his aids to bring him a list of all of Reagan's and Bush's promises so he can start working on breaking their promises too!
I've heard of the Clintons being referred to as Billary, combining Bill and Hillary. Well, why not switch it around and say "Hillbilly"... Hey! That fits all too well. And please I mean no offense to the President. Or her husband.
From The Simpsons in April of 1993:
[Bart] Didn't you think there was something wrong when you were getting checks for doing nothing?
[Grandpa] I thought it was because the Democrats were back in power.
Reporter 1: The cult members seem totally brainwashed, and still place their blind faith in a false savior offering hollow promises of salvation!
Reporter 2: And that concludes our report from the Clinton White House.
The two U.S. cities with the highest alcohol consumption are Las Vegas and Washington, DC. The difference between the two is that in Washington the drunks are gambling with our money!
"Change, change, change... That's all we'll have in our pockets if Bill Clinton is elected president." -- George Bush
"Bill's brother who who owns a band, Politics, will be playing at the inauguration if Bill Clinton gets elected. Bill's brother will bring down the house just like Bill Clinton will bring down the country." -- MTV News
Vote Democrat... It's easier than getting a job.
"They are Drawing Up Lists of Tax Increases and Cuts in Entitlement Programs. One Target: Big Corporations"
Which is worse, a Vice-President who can't spell or a President who can't add?
There are too many bills to pay without having to pay the one in Washington.
We were so poor that even Bill Clinton's tax plan would't call us rich.
"When Clinton said he was going to create 8 million new jobs, I didn't think they were all going to be tax collectors." -- Jay Leno
The trouble with political jokes is that the dumbest one of them got elected President.
Election night
Bill: ``Honey, we won!''
Hillary: ``Honestly?!''
Bill: ``Let's not bring that up...''
Clinton is trying to tell us a no-frills medical care plan. Trouble is, medical care is a frill.
Bill: ``Have you heard my last speech?''
Hillary: ``No, I didn't know it was the last one!''
Want to leave the other country absolutely devasted? Ruined? Unable to function for years?
Well, great, bring the troops home and send over some politicians.
One advantage Clinton has over past presidents is that doesn't have to worry about how much time he should spend on his re-election campaign.
Is Whitewater used to wash the Yellow Streak off of Bill Clinton's draft dodging back?
Oxymoron of the century:
Liberal Mastermind . . .
Whitewater Development
Bill Clinton . . . a good reason not to root for anyone playing Arkansas.
I don't trust President Clinton or her husband.
The Clinton Administration: Stupid is as stupid does.
Democrats seem to think they have a monopoly on protest.
Bill Clinton virus - System makes lots of noise, but nothing happens.
[Post 1994 Election aftermath]
I hear that thousands of rafts overflowing with Democrats are washing up on the shores of Cuba.
"Bill and Hillary have provided the special prosecutor with every shred of evidence they have." -- Al Gore
President Bevis, Vice President Butthead
I thought that happened in November of 1992.
There was a line in George's speech where he said I raised taxes one time and I lived to regret it. Bill Clinton did it 132 times and loved every minute.
"When Bill Clinton blows his taxophone, America will be singing the blues." -- George Bush
Clinton: "I will consult both sides of the issue on Free Trade."
Reporter: "Uh, That would be you Governor Clinton!"
After seeing footage from the new movie "The Lion King," I want to dedicate a movie to Bill Clinton. I'd like to call it "The Lion President."
Clinton bumper stickers
It's still the economy.
And he's still stupid.
Clinton and Gore,
Gone in four!
Honk if Bill Clinton says you're rich!
Bumper sticker on Arkansan car:
If you can read this
You're not from here
Impeach Clinton!
And her husband, too!
And he's still stupid.
Clinton and Gore,
Gone in four!
Honk if Bill Clinton says you're rich!
Bumper sticker on Arkansan car:
If you can read this
You're not from here
Impeach Clinton!
And her husband, too!
Find out who is in control
At a recent interview, it seems
that Bill Clinton broke out in rage after being asked a line of questions about
him being controlled.
Interviewer: "Who pulls your strings, Bill? What special interests control you?"
Clinton (visibly upset): "You leave Hillary out of this!"
Interviewer: "Who pulls your strings, Bill? What special interests control you?"
Clinton (visibly upset): "You leave Hillary out of this!"
Here is a free puppy
The President is running down the
street one day, and he sees a little girl who is giving away puppies that her
dog just had.
He goes up to the girl and says, "Little girl, I think that it's wonderful that you're doing such a good thing."
The little girl says, "Thank you, Mr. Clinton. Would you like a puppy? They're Democrats."
Bill declines and jogs onward. The next day Billy jogs past the same girl and decides to talk to her again. "You know what, little girl? I think I'll take one of those puppies after all, seeing as how they're Democrats."
The girl says, "I'm sorry Mr. Clinton, but they're not Democrats any more. They're Republican now."
Bill says, "They are? How do you know? As a matter of fact, how did you know that they were Democrats at first to begin with?"
She says, "Well, just after they were born they were Democrats, but now their eyes are open."
He goes up to the girl and says, "Little girl, I think that it's wonderful that you're doing such a good thing."
The little girl says, "Thank you, Mr. Clinton. Would you like a puppy? They're Democrats."
Bill declines and jogs onward. The next day Billy jogs past the same girl and decides to talk to her again. "You know what, little girl? I think I'll take one of those puppies after all, seeing as how they're Democrats."
The girl says, "I'm sorry Mr. Clinton, but they're not Democrats any more. They're Republican now."
Bill says, "They are? How do you know? As a matter of fact, how did you know that they were Democrats at first to begin with?"
She says, "Well, just after they were born they were Democrats, but now their eyes are open."
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